University Hustle Magazine Blog Spot!: Sep 24, 2007

Another Day at the Office

Words- Ol’ Gip

Dear Citizens of America,

You’re rallies, protests, petitions, marches and opinions are invalid. I care about them less than I care about a cow’s feelings before my quarter-pounder is made. Before I continue on about how much you people suck, I feel I should tell you a bit about myself.

I’m Gip, a thirty-three year old Police Officer from these here United States. I grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, right down the street from Piggly-Wiggly’s. I was a skinny little ol’ nothin’ without enough money to eat, so I stayed puny. After the tenth grade, I turned nineteen and dropped out of school. Figured I’d become a police officer where I can bully those who picked on me growing up. Hell, even if they hadn’t picked on me, I would do it anyway—just because I had the power to.

So I did!

I’ve glued my gun to my hand. I sleep with my Taser under my pillow—I call her Suzy. I wear my handcuffs unsnapped for easier access. I pull every motherf*cker over whenever I get the chance. It’s not to meet my quota, it’s because I can. I sit outside of high schools with my twelve-gauge pumped and leaned over my left shoulder just incase one of you people’s kids want to get a little out of hand—I call her Lucy. I keep Katie, my Swiss-Army knife in front of my flashlight on my tool belt.

Who needs to see anything in the line of fire, right? Ask questions later…

I wake up every morning with the intention of ruining someone’s night. I’m an officer of the Law! I shoot up strip clubs hoping to hit someone getting married the next day. Hell, Suzy and I had to put the old shocking on a rowdy student over at UF the other day—He was out of hand! At least I thought he was, but who cares? This world needs order!

For giggles, my buddies and I take a nig-, I mean, a person and tie him to a toilet face-down and stick a plunger right up the old caboose. You should hear them holler. It’s truly amazing what you learn over at the academy, that’s why I’m so proud. I’ll die for the red and the blue! Oh, and the white… I guess I forgot that. The truth is there’s no real reason we plant weed and coke on college students and bust them for it. We actually think it’s quite hilarious. We don’t feel sorry because we can’t relate. None of us went to a fancy university. Here’s a record to go with your diploma, college boy. Now let me see you try and get a job!

You people just don’t understand how difficult it is being an officer of the law. Everyday I have to fear for running out of bullets. I always have to watch my back, wondering if another cop is trying to take my job. Every week I have to get a certain amount of arrests so you can imagine how hard it must be to come up with those phony stories of why I’m bringing him in. I’m not that creative! Hell, if I were I would’ve gone to State. I take my frustrations out on you.

I’ve got no family so I live down at the station. Thanksgiving and Christmas I spend in the streets undercover looking for dope-peddling teenagers. New Years eve’ I park in front of the busiest liquor store looking for under-aged, college sophomores buying alcohol with fake id’s. I’m taking them all in.

So back to your rallies for Jena 6—forget them. You’ll never win. The petition for the college student at the University of Florida will never walk. Go to hell.

We got the calls about Virginia Tech and Delaware State. My kid doesn’t go there, so what the hell do I care?

At the end of the day, I eat, sleep and breathe just like you. So please won’t you just cut ol’ Gip some slack and let me do my job? Is that too much for a man to ask for? Well I’m not really asking, I’m telling. If you don’t comply, I’ll have Suzy put more volts in you faster than a blow-dryer in the bathtub.

So be good, America. Your campus could be next.

Yours Truly,

Good Ol’ Gip

Precinct 40, Branch 357

Badge Number 10-4

PS- In case of emergency, Call my home phone, 911, and leave a message. We’ll be sure to contact you as soon as we get around to it.